The Pity Party Is Over!

After a relaxing day with a good book, hot tea and sunny skies outside, I spent Saturday night reflecting on my current situation, past (now obvious) mistakes, and oh so many destructive patterns I have chosen through the years. By the end of the night, I was having quite the pity party, because sadly, I still manage to make choices and accept behavior that does nothing but break down my self respect and renders me in a state of mind far from where I want to be. Worse is I can't blame anyone but myself.

 I continue to push away those who might bring some positive influence to my life, refuse to take advice from well meaning friends - because I don't think I need it, and I certainly didn't ask for it, and welcome those who only upset the balance of my life, and cause heartache and frustration. As I continue my "transformation to fabulous", watch what I eat and work out, it might be time to also take a good look at my emotional self, my self image and start living up to the standards I say I find acceptable in my life.

I never saw myself as the "pushover"; although my upbringing in which I learned to include everyone, to stand up for those who needed it, be a good friend and so on, has at times made it difficult to say no in fear of hurting a friend's feelings. Even so, I have never felt used by anyone close to me, and in my professional life, I have with exception of one job, had nothing but good relations with coworkers and managers. I continue living by the Golden Rule, and try my best to treat others the way I want to be treated. When at times I feel like I do much more for others than I get in return, I figure it will come back to me in time. Karma always works its way.  However, in my romantic relationships, the story seems quite different. What a surprise, huh?

Photo by Salvatore Vuono/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I would like to blame my relationship issues on my marriage, but that would be lying to myself. I had issues long before I got married, and my marriage was filled with more good than bad, at least for the first decade.

After my marriage failed, I was so thrilled with my new found freedom, I definitely went about things wrong. But at the time I was not looking for anything but fun either. I started dating a very handsome man, but had already decided to move quite far away, so for me it was just a fling. However I thoroughly enjoyed being treated like a princess, so I waited a couple of months to tell him. As he kept talking about wanting to settle down, I wondered how to break the news I was moving and still hold on to my "boy toy" until I left (and yes, I can hear how bad that sounds...). 

As time passed, I think I was looking for a more long term relationship, although I would never admit it. I was very happily single, handling every aspect of my life quite well without someone else meddling in my business - I didn't need anybody to share any responsibilities with, didn't need anyone to "take care of me", and I certainly didn't need to take care of anyone else. It was with that attitude I entered into my next relationship. Not quite intentionally, it just kind of happened. We dated for months, and I spent almost all my free time with him, which was very enjoyable considering he is one of the nicest guys I have ever met.  I introduced him to both my kids and my friends, yet I cannot recall ever referring to him as my boyfriend.  He never  got out of the "some guy I'm dating" status. I don't think I even ever told him I liked him - I figured he knew. Did I acquire the girlfriend status? Maybe. I never asked. I know that is what his friends referred to me as, but it wasn't that important. 

With such seemingly little enthusiasm about this whole relationship, you would think I could care less if it lasted or not.  Surprisingly not so. When it ended quite abruptly, I was so hurt, I shunned the male species for well over a year. And I spent countless hours doing the moron analysis of the "breakup", not the relationship...don't ask. For a while I was convinced it was my forgetting his birthday that must have caused it. Then I blamed it on something my girlfriend told him.  There was of course nothing wrong with me or my behavior. (Feel free to roll your eyes right along with me...)

Fast forward a while (let's not focus on exactly how long), and Ms. Pink is ready to reenter the dating world.  I had watched my girlfriend go wholeheartedly into the "task" of finding a suitable mate. She was now happily engaged, and I though there might be a slim chance there was someone out there for me too. I just wasn't willing to use the same means as her (read internet dating...), but figured the old fashioned way of actually meeting people face to face might still work.

I got lucky. I met this great guy. Fell head over heals for him, but quite obviously I had not learned anything from my previous failed attempts. There was one big difference though. Where I never had to fight for attention before, this one was awfully popular, and I was so eager to "win the prize", I all of a sudden accepted not always being treated as well as I thought I deserved. For a while. Then I decided I wanted it to be more or not at all, and sent him a completely irrational email in the middle of the night (where is that app that stop those late night emails and texts...??).

Long story short - he ran, but no so very far. We stayed in touch, met occasionally, talked on the phone, chatted and text flirted all at a safe distance until recently. Somehow I just put on the blinders and charged ahead, all the time knowing I probably will get hurt or end up with a bruised ego, and again without being able to blame anyone but myself. This is where my pity party started.  

Knowing very clearly what I want, and at the same time being fully aware that this is probably not where I will find it, is one thing. Reducing myself to being treated as a slut is quite another.  If you have read my blog for a while, you are probably aware of my feminist side, seeing most women as strong independent persons, and finding it quite acceptable for women to take the same approach to dating as men do (see Are You Dating Material or Just Dick). So even though I refer to "boy toy" above, and admittedly have not always been straight forward with my intentions in relationships, I still treat them with respect. At least I think I have, and I expect the same back.

It took quite the lonely pity party to finally convince myself that I am the only one who can make changes in my life.  As Elanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"...and I guess silence is a sign of consent, thus allowing others to make me feel less worthy. Somehow it seems so much easier to speak up for others than for myself, but that needs to change. So pity party is over. and I am back to being the confident, strong woman I describe myself as (still with a few loops of insecurity, but that's a work in progress!). 

Photo by Salvatore Vuono/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Once I decided things needed to change, it was like I finally saw the signs all around me. Funny how that is. Once you are open to hearing what others have to say, they tell you exactly what you need to hear. And everywhere I looked yesterday; at church, in my books, even on Facebook I was finding affirmations of my decision to make changes. Kind of made me feel like everyone had been watching and waiting for me to wake up and smell the coffee. Guess I did.  And frankly, it was quite the relief to know I don't have to depend on anyone else to change. It is all in me.

I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time. ~Anna Freud