Does Alone Equal Unhappiness?

There was a time when I thought I could not be happy without being in a relationship, and I would bend over backwards to make the relationship work, thinking that "we just hit a rough spot", and "it'll work out".  Well that didn't happen, and after a breakup that rendered quite the blow to my self esteem, I stayed off the dating scene for longer than I care to admit.  But that was just the remedy I needed.

After licking my wounds for a while, I figured out I was just fine on my own.  I already took care of all the practical things in my life.  I slowed down my social life, and went out with girlfriends and enjoyed dinners and girlfriend talk.  Sure we had an occasional night out, and sure we flirted and played the scene, but that's also where it ended.  I finally looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I did not need a man in my life.  I admit it took a while, but I finally felt content with my life, just the way it was, and I felt confident in myself, and my own ability to create happiness in my life.  For me, that was a huge realization.

So now that I am happy and content being single, does that mean I have shunned men and will never be in another relationship? Not at all. But it does mean that I will not settle.  Knowing that I am perfectly fine on my own, means that I will welcome others in to my life, and should I fall in love, I will welcome that too (what feeling is better than being in love?!?), but not being in a relationship, will never again make me feel incomplete.

Photo by Salvatore Vuono/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Being the content, independent, single woman, I have had quite a few discussions on relationships lately. Funny how that is, when you are not in one, you somehow become the expert on what a perfect relationship should be. Question is, does the perfect relationship exist? I guess that depends on how you define it.

When I say I will not settle, it doesn't mean I think I will ever find myself in a relationship where every day seems perfect, with no disagreements and no uncertainties.  It means I will only be in a relationship with a man who is perfect for me. One I enjoy coming home to, who enjoys talking to me and spending time with me - not necessarily doing much, just being together. One who makes me feel beautiful when I see myself as an old hag, and who I make feel the same way. One whose hug can take away all the worries and make everything seem perfect. One who fights fair and can accept apologies when things settle. One I trust to know everything about me, even the things I might not be proud of, and who trust me enough to share his vulnerable side.  In short, a true partner.

That is my definition of perfect.  Yours may be quite different, and who am I to judge that?  OK, unless you completely disagree with me, I won't judge, but there are a few things I can't keep quiet about. Some things are, in my opinion, clear signs that you settled:

• If your partner's presence just irritates you, and he/she can't do anything right in your eyes, it's probably not the relationship of your dreams
• If you define your partner as "perfect" because he/she keeps you out of trouble, but that is the extent of anything good you can say about him/her - probably not the person you want to grow old with
• If it takes you days to figure out how to tell him/her that you broke something in the house or car because you are afraid of his/her reaction....No. Can't see the partnership being very strong.

• If you have sex because you feel "you have to". Really? Then obviously there is something wrong, especially if the relationship is fairly new. The "have to" should never be part of a new relationship - that is the "exploration period" when you figure out what works and what doesn't, and get to know each other's bodies and what makes the other person tick.  I understand that things cool down after a while, but even then, the comfort of being with your partner who truly knows you should keep the "have to" out of the vocabulary when it comes to sex. I have a lot to say about this, but I did not intend to discuss sex here, so let me just post this link, and you can figure out yourself why this is not good. 
• If income level creates a "hierarchy" in the relationship - then obviously at least one does not view the other as an  equal partner
• If you share no interests and have nothing to talk about - then why on earth are you together?

Let me make it clear, I am just voicing my opinion and have no expertise at all re. relationships other than my own experiences.  And if people chose to settle for less than they dreamed of or hoped for, that is their choice. I, however, will not, because I am complete as just me, and I don't need to.