Is All Allowed in Love and War?

I love to start discussions, especially about topics that people feel very strongly about, which doesn't always go well. But it gives me something to write about. 

So after reading a blog post about whether or not it is OK to take someone else's man, where the blogger states "Why the hell not? This notion of a good man is hard to find will never go away because women will always get tangled up with incompatible men. If you find a guy who has everything you're looking for and the only thing standing in the way is another chick—fuck her.", I decided to take the question to a more grown up forum, where the answers were quite different. 

The ones who answered were women, and maybe that is were the difference lies. But there was no one who thought it was OK.  The answers ranged from "the perfect man doesn't have a girlfriend", to "going after someone else's man is tacky", "you would have no regard for his girlfriend and how she feels", and "it shows total lack of respect for one self and the integrity of a relationship". Of course Karma also comes up - you will reap what you sow. 

Photo by JSCREATIONZS/FREEDIGITALPHOTOS.NET

In both forums it is made clear we're not talking about married men (or women for that sake). I think we can all agree to respect marriages. The question was posed about a man who has a girlfriend. 

So which is it? Some will say a person is "approachable" until they are married, others will say once he or she is dating someone exclusively, they are "off the market." My opinion?  There are no set rules.  It all depends on the individual person.

If a guy has a girlfriend, but is open to being approached by other women, flirts with other women, texts or sexts with other women, then he is still looking, and really doesn't love her.  Taking him away from her will not make you Susie Home-wrecker - there wasn't much to wreck starting out. 

 

Photo by Susie B/Freedigitalphotos.net

The question still remains though; if he leaves another woman for you, what will make him treat you differently from the last?  

Well, if you went in to this with the "Girl, she doesn't know what to do with her man" attitude...absolutely nothing, because I'm pretty sure you're not displaying yourself as "dating material" with that attitude.  

How you carry yourself, your "ground rules", and communication will determine how you allow yourself to be treated. Just because he was unsatisfied in one relationship doesn't mean he always will be. 

In principle, I think the rules are the same for approaching women. However, I think women are much less approachable than men once they are dating someone. Maybe we don't want to admit it, but within a few hours of knowing a man, most women have run through the list of boyfriend, husband, father or grandfather (depending on one's age), lover, companion etc. etc., and determined if we think he is a good fit for what we want.  By the time a woman is dating a man exclusively, she has already determined he is someone she probably wants in her life long term, and she is no longer looking.  

On the other hand, some women really should still be looking. Whether it is desperation or a notion of unworthiness, I don't know. But I have seen entirely way too many women clinging on to relationships that everyone but themselves can see is no good. So in my very single (but mostly happy) opinion; if you have to pretty up the relationship, put on a good facade and always point out your man's "good sides", then probably you should still be looking.  There is absolutely no reason to settle.