Truths for Mature Humans

Guidelines for us over 40:

 
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24.  The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Mr. Nice Guy

I decided to give Mr. Nice Guy another try, and met him for dinner today.  Of course I made the mistake of telling my girlfriends about when and where I was meeting him.  What do they do?  They show up in the restaurant to get a good look at him so they can give me their honest opinion of him....

I am mid-sentence as I look up and see my two girlfriends and the one's dad following the hostess to a table right behind ours. Somehow he did not notice the rolling eyes and perplexed look on my face.  Later  I got up to go to the restroom, and one follows me in to see how my date is going, and to give me the "he looks like a nice guy".  Which he is, but my list of must haves was much longer than just "nice".

So Mr. Nice Guy and I finished our meal and went outside for a walk, when my phone beeps. I have a message from my friend's dad with a picture of himself and the text "I'm watching you".  At this time I am trying desperately to keep a straight face, but had to make a bad joke to give myself a reason to giggle.  And it didn't stop there.  It was cold, so we didn't stay out for long.  We went back to the restaurant where he had valet parked, and as we are getting in the car, the three of them come out the door, stumble over eachother in the door, turn around and go right back in.  Really, can you be any more obvious?  Yes they can - I later found out they also sat at their table pointing at me while we were having dinner.  

Somehow I made it through the evening without "blowing their cover".  But clearly none of them should quit their day jobs to pursue any type of investigative work...

Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas Eve, and I have had a great day with my kids and friends!  We ate well, we enjoyed a nice candle light service at the church. Then we opened presents, and then we ate some more!  Next year  I am definitely wearing elastic clothing!

Now the kids are in bed sound asleep, and waiting for the gifts from Santa.  We all know that gifts from family and friends are delivered to the house and opened while everyone is still awake, but Santa still comes over night and leaves goodies in the stockings and a usually very nice present under the tree.  This year, I decided mommy needed a gift too, so there will be one for me too under the tree, but I am hanging my stocking too, just in case.  On second thought, I think I am hanging a pair of pajama pants so Santa can leave what I really want!

I believe!!

May you all have a Merry Christmas!

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

There is not much chance of snow in our neighbourhood for Christmas, but what is better than having Robbie Williams singing about it? Here accompanied by a men's choir.  Enjoy! I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas .

I Believe!

It's that time of year!  I love Christmas with a passion!  I love decorating. I love finding the perfect gifts for friends, family and my kids. I love all the lights and decorations around the neighbourhood - even the tacky ones.  We laugh and say, "it's not Christmas until the snowman on the motorcycle is on top of the motor home", and long behold, when he was not in place this year, it didn't quite feel like Christmas until they did put him up.  I even love the masses of people in the malls.  Not so much hunting for a parking spot, but once inside, I love the business of the malls.. But what I love most, is what the Holiday times do to people.

I don't actually believe in Santa Claus - although I will admit that when I took my kids to Macy's to write their letter to Santa, I wrote one too....and my list got quite long, and it was as if I was 7 again (with the wishes of a much older girl) I totally got caught up in the moment.  And that is exactly what I love about this time of year.  As we hustle and bustle around town trying to be the perfect mom, wife, friend - whatever, the Holiday Spirit is still spreading.

My purse might be empty, but I will dig for that last dollar to give to a homeless man or a charity at the traffic light.  I will open the door for strangers, smile at screaming kids in the store, and feel compassion for the mothers toting them around town. I strike up conversations with total strangers in the store to get their input on my choice of color or style when buying gifts, and have had the same thing happen to me several times. It is like we are all out to  be the best givers, and getting some help from strangers is all of a sudden OK.

I feel total contentment in watching little kids going to see Santa with their biggest wishes for the year. The magic of their belief is so powerful, and adds such excitement to the Season. As we adults watch them, it is as if some of their magic spreads to us too.

My kids will have a fabulous Christmas, and get much more then they need.  But in the midst of them wishing for and wanting new toys, they too see the joy of giving.  And the only thing more precious than a home made gift from a child, with a self made and written card to go with it, is his proud look when presenting the gift, and the joy that spreads on his face when you love it!. That to me, sums up the meaning of the Holidays. 

It doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.  We all celebrate miracles.  Even if you don't believe in anything "unearthly", you are still celebrating the miracle of your family.  So as we finish our last minute shopping, cleaning, decorating and cooking - I hope you all keep the image of that proud young child in your mind.  Let that teach us all that Giving is the greatest gift of all.

I'm in Love!!!

It's been a busy week and a busier weekend. But in the midst of the Holiday rush, I decided to treat myself a little, and I have found the Perfect Man!  Damen...I think I'm in love!!!

For an hour and a half, this man touched my body in a way no one has ever done before....all in a room with the lights dimmed and soothing music playing, spiced occasionally with his quite sexy voice.  When I think about it, I have no idea what he looks like, but he has THE best hands and a very nice voice.

When he told me it was time to leave, I wanted to beg to stay longer, but my body felt like jello and  no words would come out.  And apparently I am not the only woman who thinks he is the perfect man so he had somebody else showing up (I agree, a bit of a slut...).  But he wants to see me again, and I am so excited about the prospect of doing this again.  So I didn't really mind it when he handed me a glass of water and sent me on my merry way.  Nor when he expected me to pay for our time together.  He was worth every penny!!

So to my list of must haves, I am adding nice, strong hands and a sexy, soothing voice!! Frankly, I think they'll have to go on top of the list!

Calendar Guys

A couple of weeks ago, we had the Fire Department visit our office building after an unfortunate popcorn event. Today they came back to rescue a poor lady who got stuck in the elevator.  Nice guys, and I respect them for their work, but here's what I really want to know: Where are the calendar guys???  

This is who we want to come rescue us:

So then, why is it that every time this is who shows up:

Where do the calendar guys hide out?  Is the Fire Department afraid they may get hurt before next year's photo shoot, so they are never allowed to leave the station?  Or are they even firemen?  I'm starting to think they may just be hired models.  But we'll give it a few more tries with the popcorn, or elevator...whatever works.  Maybe next time we'll get lucky :-)

Solution to the Time Crunch

To help you all in the time crunch with work, kids, activities etc.  Here is the perfect song.  I'm thinking if I just learn this, I can sing it every morning and not have to say a word the rest of the day :-)  Enjoy!

What a Mom Says in 24 Hours 

Husband Store

  I got a good laugh when this ended up in my email. Hope you do too.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City just in time for Christmas, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
  You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the values of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
 
  So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
 
  

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
  

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
 
  

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
 
 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
 
  

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
 
 
 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 
 
 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
   
 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
 
  
 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
 
 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
 
  Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
 
 
  

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
 
 
 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 

PLEASE NOTE:
 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
 
 
 

The first floor has wives that love sex.
 
 
 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
 
 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Time crunch

It's finally time to sit down and relax a little.  Busy, busy, busy!  Work is busy, the kids are in a million activities, and there is all that holiday stuff to get ready.  I'm pooped!  This is probably not the best time to try to reinvent myself.  I might have to wait till next year.  When I think about it, I might have to wait a few years.  Being a single mom, finding time to meet someone, and then actually dating doesn't quite fit into my schedule. That's a slight little hickup in my plan.

Yes, I have kids, or as my friend's mom put it: "You have to remember you have a couple of handicaps now".  Well, I love my "handicaps", and they will come first. We're past the spit up and other odd stains on my clothes, jamming to Barney music in the car (which by the way is very uncool when the kids are not in the car...), and having to help with every aspect of their day. Instead we've moved on to taxi-mom, endless invitations to sleepovers, play dates and parties, and activities most days of the week. And then I wonder how I ended up in Hagville...

Internet dating might not be such a bad idea after all.  I could find someone on the West Coast that is still awake when I finally sit down at the end of the day. I am THE least photogenic person, but I'm sure I can find a picture where I look somewhat OK, and whomever I meet online doesn't have to see me - phone conversations are just fine; no need for Skype or any other virtual interaction.  Hmmm, might have to give that some thought. 

OK, done - not happening.  I am determined to meet someone the old fashioned way, "handicaps" or not.

Perfect First Date

I went out on a date last night. It won't go down in the books as the perfect first date, but I had a good time.  Now, how do you make a great first impression?  For starters, show up an hour and a half late...if the guy is still there, then he must be interested.

Anyhow.  We had a lot more fun that I expected. The guy seemed so overly excited about going out with me that I figured there must be something wrong with him, but so far, he seems to be a nice guy. Maybe that was the problem...I think I still have a bit of the bad boy syndrome!  They are just so much more exciting, but maybe that isn't the "quality" I should pay most attention to at this time in my life.

The nice guy and I had surprisingly much in common (surprising, because I am not that nice), and never ran out of things to say. We enjoyed a few dances, but it wasn't like sparks were flying,   I might have to give him another chance or two, but I think I need to add some names to my dating book (like I have so many prospecs that I need a book to keep track of them LOL).

So today we're heading for the mall.  OK, I'm going to get my holiday shopping done, but you never know who you will meet at the mall.

Humor

It's finally weekend, and I found a new place to meet people.  The comedy club!  That must be the best place to find out about their sense of humor, and if there is nobody interesting, at least I'll get a good laugh!

Heading out with a girlfriend and a guy friend for good measure.  The ones who refuse to cruise the club scene with me, but a comedy club can be just as much fun!

Off to a night out I go. Who knows what the night will bring.

Tattoo

Yeah, I am actually considering it.  So far my body is an untouched canvas, but I’m thinking a little artwork would be nice.  

No, I don’t think middle aged women with half their backs or arms covered in tattoos look nice; nor am I contemplating the “tramp stamp”.  A nice (long-stemmed) rose on the boob could be OK, but maybe a little tacky.  I was thinking more of using tattoos to spruce up certain parts that don’t necessarily look so good anymore.  Some use Botox to remove wrinkles, so why can’t I use tattoos to cover some cellulite??

Luckily there aren’t too many places to cover up yet….and the good thing with tattoos is you can add them as needed.  But referring to my earlier description of my body, I can put a couple of pictures to good use.

I was thinking of putting Betty Boop on my (slightly sagging) ass.  If I get one with her in an animal patterned dress (i.e. alligator skin), the cellulite should blend right in.  I’ll place her head where the skin is still smooth, and should it after a while get a bit “wrinkled”, well hell, Betty has been  wrinkle free for umpteen years. It’s about time for her to join the club of aging women too.  If she gets really lucky, she’ll end up with double chins too….who’s laughing now Betty?? LOL. 

Now if I can just figure out how to tattoo away some of the excess weight around the mid section, I’ll be in business!!

Where did my body go?

Getting myself ready for the dating scene, and figured it could be nice to spruce up the ol' hag a little.  So into the bathroom I went with hair color and a facial mask. I remember when it took me a half hour to get ready to go out.  Now there is so much to fix, I have to plan ahead 3 or 4 days.

Apparently I am getting old and forgetful.  I got the mask on my face, but never got started on the hair.  The view in the mirror totally distracted me.  What the hell happened??  You turn 40 and gravity just takes over?  At this rate, my butt will hit the floor at 50. And what is that funky looking skin below the butt....cellulite???  What?!? The thighs somehow expanded, and the waist seems to have some added padding.  I'd tried laughing at it, but then the wrinkles around my eyes were so magnified, so I cried a little instead, which smeared the mask and left my eyes red.  Beauty at it's best, I tell you!  Now let's wave and let the arms flap a little too.  This is not looking good!!

A little exercise would probably help, but not by Saturday.  So I'm cruising the web in search of instant solutions.  Looks like a miracle bra (they could use a real miracle!) and some "suck me in" underwear is the best option....guess I'm going shopping tomorrow.  And then, if I remember, we'll get the hair done too.

Reentering the Dating Scene

This will be a tough one.  I got married young, so I'm a little out of touch. The few "relationships" I've had since regaining my single status are really nothing to write home about. But my girlfriends have convinced me I should start dating again, so I'll give it a try.

Some are pushing internet dating sites, but I am still convinced those are just for people incapable of meeting people in the real world, so that is out. I did consider "Date a Millionaire" until I realized that everyone on the site wants to date one, but no one actually is one. Just kidding.  I really would not date someone for their money.  Frankly I am not sure where to meet a new man, or if I even actually want one. I guess the only way to find out, is to try.

For starters I set up a wish list - the qualities I think the guy should have.Aim high and hope for best; that's my motto.  So here it is:

• Tall, dark and handsome (that means OVER 6'.  5' 8" is NOT tall)
• Well established (OK, in these times, at least employed)
• Intelligent
• Good sense of humor
• Enjoys the outdoors
• Active
• Non-smoker 
• Romantic
• Enjoys an evening out
• Good hearted

That should do for now.  If you know anybody who fits the description, please send him my way :-)

Oh, first, please check the NOT's:

• Long hair (read pony tail)
• Biker
• Gang member
• Criminal record
• NRA member 
• AFA member (oh - I'll have to do a separate post just on this organization....)
• Illegal alien

Now on to the Where.
Holiday parties is an option, but I am fairly certain the males will be sorely lacking at the ones I have been invited to so far, and girls are not yet interesting as a date.
Gym??  Yeah, that would work if I actually went to a gym.  Maybe next year.
Church...if so I'll have to find a new one. In ours they're either gay or married.

Hmmm, think we might have to go out and try the club scene. Wish me luck!  I'll keep you posted!

Midlife Crisis - Faith No More

Midlife Crisis - Faith No More 

This song says it all LOL.  Feeling it today!

Finding my place

Today I choose peace.  I choose to no longer be angry about what has happened to me, my own wrong doings, or what others have done to me. I can't change the past, so why waste my time?  Instead I choose peace.  I forgive myself for my mistakes - live, learn and move on.  Although I am far from where I want to be, I accept where I am, and I'm at peace.  Today is a fresh start, and tomorrow will follow; each day bringing me closer to where I want to be.  And each day I choose peace.

Just saying that makes me feel good.  I am hoping saying it enough will make it stick in my mind. However, I am not certain I can live by my words; sometimes tempers flare, and I would not exactly describe myself as a calm person. But what is life without a little spice? I will leave calmness to someone else.  I have things to get accomplished and places to go! For now, I go in peace...