Dressing Room Nightmare!

I started off the new year with a goal of getting in shape.  I've worked out a little more, dropped a couple of pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself. I know it's a little early, but I decided to get ready for the summer season today.  Since I had the whole day to myself, I headed for the mall, to check out the new collections of  bathing suits. As if I had the perfect body, I picked through the racks of "Brazilian cut bikinis", took a few of those with me and headed for the dressing room. 

The smirk on the dressing room attendant's face should have told me my choices might not be quite right, but I didn't take the hint. And standing in front of a full size mirror looking at my winter ghostly body certainly should have, but no. I insisted on continuing the charade.  With my oh so comfortable K-Mart flowery cotton panties still on, I slipped into this lovely little pink and silver creation.  Slipped might be a slight exaggeration.  Either their sizes were a little off, or I need to rethink what size I am. But after tugging and pulling, sucking in the belly and holding my breath, I finally got it on. Oh my!  The two little triangles that made up the top, was a certain guarantee for sunburned boobs.  And when I stretched my arm up, the little triangle took a trip north too and the boob just popped right out...apparently they are not "securely fastened" any more.  And who knew Brazilians had such small butts?  If I stood perfectly still, it actually covered the crack, but as soon as I took a step or two, it lodged securely in the middle, leaving my entire ass for the view of the world.  I'm pretty certain that's a view the world can do just fine without. I tightened the straps on the top almost cutting off my circulation, and stretched the bottom as far as it would go, but the end result was no different, just a little more painful.

Since the rest of the suits were the same cut, there was no use in trying any more on.  I may be slow, but one of these suits was all the proof I needed that I am pretty far from Brazilian.  Now I realized why the attendant had the smirk on her face when she handed me the number 5 tag.  Not wanting to give her the satisfaction of being handed back all five, I handed her four along with the tag and took the little pink and silver thing with me.  I could tell she was holding back the laughter, but I held my head high and walked out of the dressing room, hiding the bikini behind my purse.  I hung it on the clearance rack where I found an over sized sweatshirt for next to nothing.

Good thing it was Superbowl Sunday!  In my over sized sweatshirt, I now had an excuse to drown my disappointment in a few beers, and gorge on pizza, chips and dip and all that other good stuff.  I checked my old suit.  It may be a little faded, but it'll do fine for another season.  I'll probably try this again next year, but I'll look for the Mid-Western style then.